Die Jäger des Schicksals » to guide you through the i

If I ever needed a brain transplant, Id choose a sportswriter because Id want a brain that had never been used.- Norm Van Brocklin When I was 13, I transferred to a new school for the first time. I had spent ten years from junior kindergarten through Grade 8 at the northwest corner of Bathurst Street and Viewmount Avenue in midtown Toronto. It was my home court advantage. I knew the roll of the rims and the carom of the walls and which teachers were lax at taking attendance. It couldnt last forever. At some point a promotion was coming, and my record setting minor league career wouldnt matter once new maths and makeup-laden girls challenged all that I had honed. I was heading to St. Andrews Junior High. Grade 9. The Show. Embarking on my first day in the wilds of the public school system, I knew I had to make my mark early. Mr. Pelech, my clever English teacher, noticed my t-shirt just minutes into the first class. It was a tattered, ink-drenched Grateful Dead concert tee. He remarked that "Grateful Dead" was an example of a contradiction. Contra what now? Coach tapped my shoulder and I hopped the boards. I proceeded to argue with a shellshocked Mr. Pelech for several minutes. My arguments were lithe, varied and completely illogical, but I had been trained to stand my ground no matter how ridiculous my position. Eventually, a hapless Mr. Pelech scanned the class and sputtered, "Just who is this guy?" Each one of my classmates shook their heads sheepishly as if to say uh, dont look at me. Mark made. Within two weeks I owned that school. They didnt realize the repressed explosiveness that ten years of private school Yiddish lessons would unleash. It is in this brazen spirit I introduce myself to you now, Dear Reader, as your new weekly columnist for Bardown. Why was I chosen as The One to guide you through the international sports landscape, particularly with so many scribes vying for your sports-saturated eyeballs? Commence the elucidation (AKA bring da noize): Basketball. This is my wheelhouse. I know all the lyrics to Kurtis Blows Basketball and I have for decades. I own a Sweet Georgia Brown-humming Harlem Globetrotters pinball machine from 1979. I still play pickup every week at a local high school against stiff competition in their very extremely late twenties. Also, I was an associate producer for the Toronto Towers of the NBA for nearly 500 games, post-games, pre-games and exactly five playoff games. Ooh, another thing, I call the Toronto Raptors the Toronto Towers because I have some self-respect. Baseball. I spent five teenage summers selling peanuts outside the Dome under the alias Mike Simmons. Despite a promising career as a sidearm Eephus pitch-throwing specialist, the leagues advanced scouts were never able to unravel the mysteries of my potential, because apparently throwing over the plate was a "prerequisite for success". Racists. I submit that using the All Star Game to decide home field advantage in the World Series is akin to the winner of the submission portion of Americas Funniest Home Videos determining the nominees for The Oscars Best Picture award. Also, you can thank me for getting the old Blue Jays logo back, as days after writing this piece, the marketing director for the Jays was following me on Twitter, and months later a new logo was born. Also, my therapist says I have something called a narcissistic personality disorder. Football. In 1998, I moved to Los Angeles to pursue the dream of being rich and famous which is why you know me so well today. That same year I became a fan of an upstart outfit known as the Baltimore Ravens because I thought Ray Lewis was almost definitely innocent of murder and I am obsessed with Edgar Allan Poe. Fifteen glorious seasons later I have two championship rings (made of foil and buttons) as my testament. I have correctly predicted, in pre-season, the Super Bowl participants for 13 consecutive years and I defy you to prove otherwise. (Note: Please dont reference my Twitter feed. Just be cool. This claim is all I have.) Hockey. I worked camera on the 2003 documentary A Day in the Life of the Maple Leafs so I know a thing or two about hockey. Well, exactly two things. One, when I was eight years old, my teenage neighbour convinced me his Mats Naslund rookie card could be mine for the extremely low price of my 1979 O-Pee-Chee Wayne Gurtski rookie card. (Note: I have forgotten how to spell that particular Edmonton Oilers name. At least my night terrors have subsided.) Two, I have developed an algorithm demonstrating the NHL to be the worst run league in the history of Industry. It involves a complicated geometric measurement involving my eyes and common sense. (A fact I will gladly prove over and over again until they, oh I dont know, realign the conferences to have an equal amount of teams. Lets start there.) Fantasy Sports. I Am Legend. In its heyday of 2001, my sprawling website, mikegallay.com, was a sports fantasy powerhouse boasting 16 writers covering all sports, catering to an audience of nearly 16 unique daily readers (and fans of ravines who misspelled mygulley.com). Chances are, if you were a Canadian sports fan in the early 2000s, you were reading articles about topics we also covered on mikegallay.com. The Professor And Mary Ann. I will happily cover all the secondary sports every time a participant either murders someone, is attacked by a spouse using the tools of their own sport, has sex on camera on TMZ, or breaks an important racial, cultural or gender barrier while also keeping our interest for more than eight minutes. Thats my pledge. Am I the precisely correct author to bring you whimsical, satirical, deadly accurate analysis of the sports that matter to you? Absolutely. And can I say that with total sincerity because part of my contract stipulates I have no editor? Two for two. Have I earned your attention to read my column next week? Lets put it this way. My topic will be 23 Ways to Make Over 7K a Week Working Part Time From Your Couch. My third column will be Bardown Seeks New Columnist, No Experience Required. Gallays Poll #1 What would you like to see Gallay write about in his next column? a) A 20,000-word essay conclusively proving Mike is the third Williams sister. b) Doug Gilmours Secret Recipes for 3am Snacks. c) My Weekend In The Hamptons With Barry Bonds. d) No column, just use this space to expand Badminton coverage. Wholesale Thunder Jerseys . "There are a lot of things that are going very well in this organization. Im not coming in here to rip things apart," Nicholson told reporters Friday. "I know what Hockey Canada was when I started, and I know where this (Oilers) organization is today. Shawn Kemp Jersey .Y. - The Buffalo Sabres reassigned forward Sam Reinhart to the WHLs Kootenay Ice on Friday. http://www.cheapthunderjerseyschina.com/ray-allen-jersey/ . The two-time Olympic halfpipe gold medallist informed ESPN on Monday he plans to compete in Apsen, Colo. Andre Roberson Jersey .Brazil midfielder Ricardo Goulart scored the winner in the 50th minute to give the defending champion a four-point advantage in the standings over second-place Sao Paulo, which beat rival Palmeiras 2-0. Discount Thunder Jerseys . The former Toronto FC designated player played three of his 15 professional seasons with the team.MANCHESTER, England -- The wall of fame of Manchester United managers still informs Old Trafford visitors that a "new chapter has begun" under David Moyes. In reality, it was a short, painful chapter in United history that will cost around $90 million, the club disclosed on Wednesday. Although the museum display hasnt been updated, its been more than four months since Moyes was fired before completing a season as Alex Fergusons successor. The task of restoring the former glories is with Louis van Gaal, and the club told investors on Wednesday that the former Netherlands manager needs to deliver a top-three finish in the English Premier League. United executive vice chairman Ed Woodward is certain Van Gaal, who won titles with Ajax, Barcelona and Bayern Munich, has begun to reinvigorate the club. "The 2013-14 season was a very challenging and disappointing one," Woodward said. "But under Louis there is a real feeling at the training ground that we are at the start of something special. We are very excited about the future." After 26 years under Ferguson, there have been two new chapters in a year. Still searching for his first win after four matches in charge, this manager has to get it right. In its annual financial results, United said it cost 5.2 million pounds ($8.4 million) in compensation to fire Moyes and some of his coaching staff after just 10 months in charge. United, which is owned by the Glazer family and listed on the New York Stock Exchange, remains a commercial juggernaut, with 2013-14 revenue up 19 per cent to a club record 433.2 million pounds ($699 million). But the failure to qualify for Europe under Moyes by finishing seventh has led United to forecast revenue in 2014-15 to drop by 10 per cent -- around $80 million -- to as low as 385 million pounds ($619 million). "Our budgets assume a third-placed finish," Woodward said. Underlying profit is also forecast to drop from 130.1 million pounds ($210 million) to between 90 to 95 milliion pounds ($145 to $153 million), although the debt which angered fans after the 2005 Glazers takeover has fallen to 341.dddddddddddd8 million pounds ($551 million). But the 20-time English champions have been spending heavily in a bid to arrest the decline, reinvesting the sponsorship revenue, which soared by 50 per cent to 135.8 million pounds ($219 million) in the year to June 30. The accounts show 78.9 million pounds ($127 million) spent on players, including the signing of Juan Mata in January for 37.1 million pounds (then $61 million). The wage bill rose by almost 20 per cent to 214.8 million pounds ($345 million). Since the end of the financial year, United has spent more than $200 million, including a British record fee of 59.7 million pounds ($99 million) to sign Argentina midfielder Angel Di Maria from Real Madrid in an attempt to improve Uniteds position. Despite the investment in foreign talent and sale of academy graduates -- including striker Danny Welbeck to Arsenal -- assistant manager Ryan Giggs said the club remains committed to youth development. At least one homegrown player has featured in every United matchday squad since 1937 -- a statistic that covered Giggs before he retired from playing this year. "The club will never change. The history of the club is to play exciting football, always give youngsters a chance," Giggs said at the SoccerEx conference in Manchester. "Danny has left, which is obviously disappointing because you never want to see a homegrown player leave ... but we have got to make sure young players come through because United fans demand it." But there will soon be further sponsorship cash to spend on transfers. Next years accounts will reflect the start of the seven-year $559 million shirt sponsorship with Chevrolet, but an Adidas kit deal, worth potentially 75 million pounds ($121 million) a year, doesnt start until 2015-16. "Commercially, we continue to go from strength to strength," Woodward said. 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